A Simple Handshake Isn’t Simple
Posted by Barbara Jones on June 23, 2008 – 6:35 am -
An interview with Mary Starvaggi, The Etiquette Advantage
Mary Starvaggi (The Etiquette Advantage) has been an etiquette consultant for 17 years. BizCustoms sought her advice on the subject of handshake etiquette.
BC: Mary, why are handshakes such a concern in business situations?
MS: For a simple gesture, handshakes can be very confusing. I get a great many questions from both men and women about when handshakes are appropriate. In fact, handshake etiquette has changed over time as more women have entered the professional workforce. In business, a handshake is always appropriate and necessary for both men and women.
We are equally at fault in creating this confusion through differences in our behavior in business and social situations. Men do not make a distinction between business and social situations when shaking hands. They are more apt to extend their hand and give a firm handshake in every situation than women are. Socially, however, men rarely extend their hand to a woman first. They wait for her to make the first move and respond accordingly.
Women do make a distinction between business and social situations when shaking hands, but they shouldn’t. In their personal lives, women usually don’t shake hands automatically, if at all. When a woman is introduced to another woman in a social situation there is often no handshake. When I am with my husband and we are introduced to another couple it often happens that both the men will shake his hands, but not the women. However, I always shake both of their hands. This carries over into business situations where women sometimes shake hands and sometimes don’t.
BC: What sorts of questions do you get on this subject in your workshops?
MS: In one of my recent programs, a young professional woman said she had experienced a situation in which a male corporate manager shook the hands of male colleagues but not hers. She wasn’t sure how to interpret this or what to do. It is always appropriate for a young professional woman (or man for that matter) to shake hands. Often men, especially those of an older generation, are confused by the changes in the corporate culture that they have witnessed during their careers. This man may not be sure he still knows what is appropriate. He may wish to avoid giving offense or he may have concerns about sexual harassment.
“The essence of etiquette is to put others at ease” so I advised her, “You make the first move. Extend your hand because you are a professional and you know it is the right thing to do. He will probably shake your hand graciously in response.”
As soon as I finished this response a senior executive in his mid 50s spoke up to say he appreciated having all of this clarified. He said he was just not sure what the appropriate protocol was because so many things including laws have changed. In his position he wants and needs to make the right choices regarding professionalism.
BC: How do you recommend handshakes be done?
MS: Handshake must be firm; if the hand you are offered is not firm push your hand in further and lock thumbs to create a firm grip. Avoid “vice” grips or overly firm handshakes. These as well as a handshake that covers the top of the hand may be an attempt to dominate. Gentlemen, do not grab fingertips, grasp the entire hand. Ladies, return a handshake firmly rather than offering a limp one.
Handshakes have other uses as well. For instance, someone is walking toward you. You have no clue about the name but remember the face. Just extend your hand, say your own name, and wait expectantly, basically reintroducing yourself. (“Hello, Mary Starvaggi…” with outstretched hand.) Yes, they might think you can’t recall their name but it is a graceful way out of an awkward situation and usually they state their name in return.
Talking about handshakes always brings up the subject of hugs. Handshakes work better than hugs in professional situations, even with close friends. A hug is for personal relationships or strong connections. If you see a hug approaching and want to deflect it extend your hand for a handshake. A warm greeting is still possible without hugging.
BC: Any closing words of advice?
MS: A firm handshake does nothing but say “Confidence!” A weak or limp handshake says “I am not professionally confident” or “I have a weak self-image.” A good firm handshake is appropriate for both men and women in every business and social situation. It is also one of the three main parts of an introduction as well as vital in creating a positive first impression.
BC: Thank you for this excellent advice. Where can people reach you with questions?
MS: Questions are always welcome. Write to me at mlstarvaggi@fuse.net.
Tags: business, consultant, etiquette, handshake, Mary Starvaggi
Posted in Business Etiquette, General, Mary Starvaggi |
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